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Things I Learned Not to Do if I was ever in Indian Soaps from watching “Kis Desh …”
1) When a lifelong engagement is broken, do not marry the first person that asks. Who knows? He just might be the evil twin of the mentally challenged man you will be unlucky enough to wed if the marriage goes through.
2) Do not lie, just because a relative tells you to. Who knows? You might almost miss out on the chance to marry a young, good-looking, rich dude.
3) Do not go to a mandir at night. Who knows? You might end up getting chased all night by a man who doesn’t know when to give up. Also, you’ll lose an accessory that usually comes in a pair.
4) Do not run off with said dude at his wedding. Who knows? His angry dad might pour oil on himself and be this close to lighting a match. If the wind is going the wrong way, you might end up getting burned.
5) Do not pretend to have amnesia. Who knows? Someone might just hear you talking to yourself and realize you’re faking. If you have to pretend, then don’t talk out loud to yourself.
6) Do not hold any kind of wedding or engagement celebrations where outsiders are invited. Who knows? A groom might run off, a man may step in and volunteer to marry the jilted bride; a bride might try to commit suicide; another groom might run off, another male may step in to marry another jilted bride and set in motion events that will reverberate down the years. Ultimately, you will be embarrassed.
7) Do not believe that your husband/fiancé is dead just because you saw his ghost and his dead body. Who knows? It might be another man who saved your husband/fiancé and died in his place (although this savior looked nothing like your husband/fiancé when he was alive, he is your husband’s/fiancés identical twin in death). Also, take heart that your husband/fiancé is out there, living under an assumed name because he has been told he only has a few months to live. Let’s forget the fact that it has been over a year since he was told this and he still hasn’t died – that supposed death must have shaken a few screws lose in dear husband’s/fiance’s mind.
8 ) Do not marry a man with a mother or stepmother. Who knows? No matter how nice she is at the beginning, she will turn into an evil witch. She will be jealous of the control you have over her son, she will hate you with the fire of a thousand burning suns, and she will successfully destroy your marriage at least once.
9) If you have to marry a man with a mother, do not marry a mama’s boy. Who knows? Dear hubby might listen to his mama and throw you out right after your marriage is consummated. Based on what mama says, hubby will call you a liar, believe you’re having an affair, and believe that you tried to kill his father.
10) Do not hide things from your husband. Who knows? He might think your having an affair, confront you in public, beat up on you and your suspected lover, get drunk, go have a one-night stand and then leave the country.
11) Finally, do not be a doormat. Who knows? Your husband might sleep with you and kick you out on the same night, your mother-in-law might start hating you and attack you at every turn, and your sister-in-law will destroy your marriage just so she can end hers. You might have to sacrifice yourself by marrying a man bent on destroying the [abovementioned] family that you want to save. Ultimately, you will be manipulated into leaving your husband for six years, only to forgive him within weeks of his return (after trying to set him up with other women).